Whatever Wednesdays: My First Time.

YOU WISH. Like I would ever publicize those kind of shenanigans. For free. Without a book deal.

So what are we talking about then?

My first time watching Harry Potter. Which was this past Sunday. Please continue to shame me.

Listen. When HP came out, I was far too cool for that shit. You know? I just was. That and 19,000 other movies that I am now catching up on. SO I AM SORRY that I was once too cool for these things. Or things in general, really.

However, when I was included on a group tweet that was Harry Potter related, I finally owned up to this horrific secret. No regrets, ladies. And then I had the brilliant idea that would lead to this blog content. Because something has to give me content.

After telling Justin an equally long story as the one above we sat down, post-Tiffany-nap, to watch Harry Potter & the Sorcerer's Stone. I had no idea how long that effing movie was. Are you serious with that? For a target audience of young adults? I had the ants in my pants, but I watched all 2 hours and 25 minutes of tiny Harry and his tiny friends.

These tiny people haven't even hit puberty and they are using magic and turning people to stone? IN YOUR DREAMS.

Hold your mouth for a second. I am not, in any way bashing Harry Potter. I love my life too much.

What I'm saying is that I need to watch the other movies before I make a final judgement on this situation. I'm also thinking that maybe I should've watched these before I turned 30 so that I could appreciate them more. Also, MORE DRAGONS. Baby dragons are the way to my heart.

At least I won't get cyber-bullied anymore.

the jmeoww diaries v.9

FANS. It has been far, far too long since you have officially heard from the Queen Beast. She misses you, she thinks. She isn't very familiar with emotions. She only knows that when I watch Downton Abbey she should leave the room so she doesn't have to witness my tears.

But I digress. Things are happening in Miss Meoww's fabulous life. Fame, wedding planning, vacations. So many things! Where shall we start?

Fame

Well, near-fame, to be more accurate. Her dearest Justin lovingly submitted her to a show called My Cat From Hell. Are you familiar? The title tells all. Hilariously enough, he got a call back and we were told to start filming her bad behavior immediately and submit as much footage as possible.

Jmeoww Consuela Gee. For your consideration.

I AM SERIOUS. We were going to be so TV famous! But something happened. Something confusing, but something very good.

She stopped being a complete asshole.

I swear on this blog that the night after the casting woman called Justin and we were poised and ready to film, she slept on the bar stool THE ENTIRE NIGHT. No whining for playtime during dinner. No biting of my feet under the dinner table. Not one ounce of blood was shed. HOW DISAPPOINTING IS THAT?

We knew, we just knew, that when she returned from her "vacation" we would have our old jmeoww back.

"Vacation"?

Well, kind of a vacation. As you may have seen through the social medias, our apartment was tented and fumigated for termites last week. OUR VERY OWN CIRCUS. Without all of the fun and child molesters. We made the painstaking decision to board jmeoww at her vet clinic, rather than keep her in the vacant apartment we would be staying in.

This was really our apartment. We are not Lakers fans, at all.

I. Was. Heartbroken. My poor little creature, all by herself in some sort of cage. Probably pooping herself, like she always does. And although we spent two restless nights on an air mattress that we had to wake up and fill every two hours because she had punctured it with her vicious claws, we missed our meow!

We were fully prepared to deal with severe boarding PTSD upon her return and planned to stay home so that we could sit and hold her paws while she recovered.

And then. And then she gave us another miracle from baby jesus on high.

SHE WAS FINE YOU GUYS! Okay, so she didn't eat for two days or leave her carrier while boarded, but she didn't try to kill anyone! When she got home we bathed her because we were unclear whether there may have been pants-pooping or not and after about 30 minutes of hiding she came out and was all, HEY GUYS WHAT DID I MISS?

We were shocked, and overjoyed. Okay, still a little peeved that we would NOT be on TV. But she was okay! She was better than okay...she's grown into a woman meow that can handle normal things! (With the exception of loud noises. That shit will never be tolerated.)

It has been nearly a week since her little journey and SHE COULD NOT LOVE ME MORE. There have been moments of extreme hyperactivity but our nights always end with aggressively LOVING cuddles. All up in my neck type of cuddles. I can't even handle it. If I giggle she gets embarrassed and leaves so I just have to sit there and take it while Justin laughs and probably in his head wonders what kind of crazy bitches he is marrying.

So what does this mean? Is this the end of crazy meoww stories? The end of the jmeoww diaries? Time will tell. Maybe once she gets over the relief of being home she will start being murdery again. But for now, my ankles are scratch-free and I am getting to experience what it is like to have an adorably cuddly cat. Even if it occurs at inopportune bedtime moments and lasts for 5 minutes or less. Totally worth it.

how not to plan a wedding v.1

Here we are, one week engaged and I am already in trouble. Because I am already searching venues, naturally, and even though we don't even have a date WHAT IF ALL OF THE VENUES ARE BOOKED FOREVER? These are the things I worry about. Irrational anxiety girl, at your service.

Rather than get explicit with details, please review this conversation/episode Justin & I had.

T: And not to keep talking about the wedding, but I found another venue I'm realllllly excited about.

J: Yea? Where?

T: It's this really swanky hotel on El Cajon Blvd...

J: NO. We are NOT getting married on El Cajon Blvd.

T: BUT THE HOTEL IS BEAUTIFUL AND THEY JUST REMODELED. Here, let me find some pictures....

He won. This time.

soon to be mrs. tiff dee

Did you hear the news?

KIM & KANYE ARE HAVING A GIRL. I know, I know. That is exactly what you all came here to read about today. You are so welcome.

Oh, right. JUSTIN PROPOSED TO ME.

And I said, "Yes." OF COURSE I DID.

Even as I try to type this out right now I really could never do this all justice. The amount of love and happiness we feel is incomparable. Also, maybe I'm a little hungover. SO MUCH CELEBRATING.

I knew he had something planned yesterday, I just didn't know what. And never in my wildest dreams did I think I would end up on a marathon-traffic-filled scavenger hunt throughout San Diego to some of the most important monuments to our love. Only to end up where it all started on that fateful December night in which I crashed his company's Christmas party. Obviously by the time I found him waiting for me at the Rancho Bernardo Inn, I knew what was coming. We had a little walk filled with awkward small talk to the exact spot where we met, only to be interrupted by me having to pee. Classy, I know. Once that was taken care of he got down on one knee and even said please. SO POLITE. It was perfectly sweet and romantic. He put so much thought into the entire day and my heart is so incredibly full.

Yes, I had some influence on that ring. MY PRECIOUS. That is a story for another day. And besides a secret pin board I may have started and some venue browsing, we don't have a damn thing planned. Maybe a year-and-a-halfish timeline? Maybe I'll convince him to marry me in Vegas this summer? As long as we don't invite Lord Walder Frey to our wedding, all will be well.

not even possible!

Day 31 - A vivid memory.

I almost, almost skipped today. Because I fell asleep on the couch last night trying to finish season 3 of Downton Abbey and because I couldn't really think of anything compelling. But it is the last. freaking. day. 18 out of 31 is more than 50% which is a passing grade in my eyes (says someone who barely graduated college).
I've decided to share with you one of my all time favorite life moments. I considered vlogging this but I couldn't imagine saying a certain keyword outloud ever again. So you have to read it instead.
When the twins were in 8th grade (which would make me about 22 years old), I conned my mom into letting me chaperone their 8th grade field trip to Washington DC. Because I love that damn place. I spent a week going nonstop with a bunch of ridiculous 8th graders. Although I was the cool chaperone, because obviously. And also because I let them play hide-and-seek in the Smithsonian Air & Space Museum.
As we neared the end of the trip I was nearing the end of my wits. There were really long stretches of bus time. Too many meals at McDonald's. And not enough diet coke to save my life. I stretched out over my aisle on the bus and told the kids to leave me the hell alone so I could finish reading The DaVinci Code. Which at the time was THE BEST BOOK EVER. 
Somewhere between Gettysburg and Philadelphia on the longest traffic-filled bus drive of our lives, my little sister peeks over my seat and in her not-so-quiet-natural-volume voice asks, rather indignantly, "TIFFANY. What's a queef?"
And then I died. 
I finished reading my paragraph because OMG Robert Langdon was up to something and I didn't want to draw even more attention to this situation. So I slowly turned around and tried really hard not to laugh and be the adult about this. The rows of evil 8th grade boys are giggling their asses off and I knew that they were the entire cause of this situation. 
But I had to be the adult.
"I'm sorry, what did you just ask me?"
She asks the same question. At the same volume level.
"We probably shouldn't yell that. Who told you about that?"
The boys.
"Well maybe they should tell you what it is then!" And then with my bright-red face full of stifled giggles I turned around and started reading again. The next thing I heard was possibly the most hilarious statement I've ever heard in my life. 
In the same booming and indignant voice I hear, "YEA RIGHT THAT'S NOT EVEN POSSIBLE."
There was no more holding in of the laughter. What do you say to that? To your pre-teen sister who is just learning the ins-and-outs of being a female?
"Please stop talking to me so I can finish this chapter."